i have come that they may have life and have it to the FULL

-john 10:10b

full life hit me the other day. like really hit me. i know i have full life in christ. well aware. i know that's the only way i can truly live. but rarely do i acknowledge what that actually means. and when i think about it...it's true. i have honest to goodness full life. which duh i know but i never really think about. full to the point of overflow. joy in the lord. all that stuff is real. nothing fills me like the lord does. i have never been as satisfied as when i am in a right relationship with god. again...DUH. but seriously. i feel like sometimes i just take things for granted without realizing all this stuff is true. i mean i know it's true. but i can physically see the side effects of my relationship with christ throughout my life. that's crazy. it's not believing in some far off invisible god. he lives in us. he lives in me. and i see it. people see it. i've always known this is real. but it keeps becoming more and more apparent to me. i love that after five and a half years god can still amaze me. i hope he always does. and i hope i never forget what full life feels like. and how i wouldn't want to live any other way.


so, god, thanks for letting me live.

why i lead young life

aside from the obvious. yes i want kids to know the lord. yes i want to love the crap outta high schoolers who may not get that anywhere else. yes i want to give my life away.

i have never been pushed so hard or stretched so far as i have been leading young life. don't get me wrong. it's great. i have to be so much better, so much smarter, so much nicer than i am. i have to wholly surrender myself to the lord and let him use me because if i tried to lead by myself i'd fall flat on my face. when a kid calls me and asks me to get coffee to talk about something but i have a project to do i have to ditch my work. i am obligated to love that kid over anything i had to do. which is awesome. i am forced to give myself up. it's my job. which has a negative connotation i guess but honestly i love it. because i know i'd be far too self absorbed and selfish to give myself up if i didn't have to. so i love that i have to. i love that i'm called to do it. that i have to spend twice as much money as any normal person on gas. because really? what else would i spend that on... shoes? things i don't need. as opposed to a high school kid who needs that extra ten minutes in the car to talk. i couldn't make it about me if i tried.

i lead young life so that he may become greater and i may become less.

“It is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.”

-Mother Theresa

girlfriend knows her stuff.


it is CRAZY how much we have. how much I have. literally insane. wildly disproportionate. i am just so SICK of money. just plain sick of it. i hate it. i hate that it enables me to or prevents me from doing things. i hate that people, i in particular, have so much and take it for granted. i hate that so many have to have so little yet still find so much joy in life. i hate money. i hate that it governs our lives. i hate that most of us don't even realize how disgustingly wealthy we are. i hate that people die of hunger so others can eat at outback steakhouse every night. i hate that people have millions of dollars they don't even have anything to do with. the thing i hate the most is how little everyone seems to care. that people don't get fired up about this. about injustice. about poverty. yet i am the biggest hypocrite of all. i hate money yet i don't give mine away. i use it to send myself to italy for 4 months for no other reason than the fact that i just want to. i don't need to go to italy. i could feed a small country with the money i'm paying to go there. but i'm going. because i'm selfish. children will die so that i can live as i wish. one day i will live in poverty. i better. i swear if i ever get rich someone please shoot me. or rob me. yeah robin hood my selfish A and give all my money to the poor. i don't need it. i have so many things i don't need. sooo many. and i still want more. yes i am selfish. and hypocritical. and i hate money. and one of these days i'm gonna freakin do something about it.

flee from evil

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
-Philippians 4:8

Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God.
-3 John 1:11

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
-Romans 12:9

reject every kind of evil.
-1 Thessalonians 5:22

But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.
-Hebrews 5:14

Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
-James 1:21

Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
-Psalm 37:27

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
-2 Timothy 2:22



whatever is pure. anyone who does evil has not seen god. hate what is evil. reject every kind of evil. distinguish good from evil. get rid of all moral filth and evil. turn from evil. flee the evil desires.


evil [ee-vuhl] -noun- the force in nature that governs and gives rise to wickedness and sin.


evil. it's not good. we want good. we don't want evil. simple. flee from it. literally turn and run the other direction when it creeps into your life. i'm working on fleeing from evil. there are things that may not seem awful. like i write them off and say it's not that bad if i cuss. or watch trashy mtv shows. or read texts from last night every day. or read cosmo. because they're not necessarily sins. but they instill an evil in me. they cultivate the force in nature that governs and gives ride to wickedness and sin. and instead i should be thinking about whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. jersey shore is not excellent or praiseworthy. i have become more spiritually mature and am training myself to distinguish between good and evil. i have seen god and will not do evil. not only will i not do evil but i will hate it and reject it and turn from it and flee from it. because it stunts my relationship with god. the holier i am, the more i love him.

evil is anything that isn't good. and everything good is from the lord. so everything evil isn't from the lord. which is nothing i want to have anything to do with.

yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon

everything in its right place.

there is a feeling that derives from compositional perfection. like when taking a picture, i wait until the scene clicks. i don't know how to explain this, i just really wanted to write about it. i'm gonna try not to sound too art freaky. but i can be looking through the viewfinder of my camera and making small adjustments to the frame until boom. it feels right. like good composition produces an actual feeling in a person. bad composition makes a person feel awkward when they look at the work. but solid composition is pleasing to the eye in a way that most people don't even realize. they may not know why they like what they're looking at so much. but it's because the scene is compositionally brilliant. and that is amazing to me. just because of how something is juxtaposed in a frame. it produces an actual feeling. so crazy. art makes you feel. i mean subject and concept produces an obvious feeling. but even just the composition invokes a feeling in the receiver. crazy.

i think the same thing applies to music. i watched this interview with katy perry on youtube. i know i know. judge me. but i like her. and she was talking about the song teenage dream. and how they wrote and rewrote and tweaked that song so many times until it finally clicked. and i'll tell you that song makes you feel something. aside from the lyrics. because it's katy perry. they suck. but the way all the aspects of that song come together create something compositionally brilliant. i find bon iver to be a composition master. makes you feel something. which is the goal of any art form. music. photography. painting. dance. anything.

there is nothing like perfect life composition. when you look around and think nothing could be better than the way everything is right then. this happens to me a lot of mornings. after i read and step outside on my way to class. the way it feels, looks, and smells outside. even if nothing is actually happening, i'm just standing outside in the morning. it just clicks like man, it's all good. i also get this feeling a lot at night when i first lay down. maybe it's just when i'm in the right mindset with the lord. i appreciate all of his glory on earth after i've just spent time with him. and the combination of good things he's given us makes me feel. this whole entire post might make no sense. i just love brilliant composition.

everything in its right place.

the best thing you can do with your life is give it away

lately i've been all about bali, indonesia. i wanna go there for a year or two after i graduate. teach english. slash reading. bali. it is an 11 week class to get certified. i could do it. i can't plan anything at this point. but i hope i get to do it. i don't need to be a wedding photographer. if i don't do it someone else will. but i could change lives teaching. because if i don't do it, maybe no one will. so i'm trying to make my life less and less about me. give it all away. still a little selfish though, living in bali would be legit. obviously i change my mind about what i wanna do with my life every day so who the heck knows what i'll actually do. maybe i'll do everything. we'll see.

the greatest commandment...

easy right? love the lord. first. foremost. above all else. with all your heart soul mind and strength. everybody knows it. but how many actually do it?

this has been on my heart lately. and when i thought about it i thought man i have to love the lord more than i love jelly beans. more than i love law and order. more than i love my friends. more than i love my family. and let me tell you i loveeee my family. so for a while i wrestled with that. how could i love my family any less? i can't. not even if i tried. and why would god call me to do that? i'm sure reading this you already know the answer. but my own closed mind was kind of upset by being called to this.

ok so after praying about it everything clicked. i don't have to love anything on earth less. i just have to love the lord more. and that is a biiiig love. but it's one that i'm growing into. one that flourishes every single day as the lord reveals more of himself to me. one that becomes easier and easier as i spend time with him. i am not forced to love the lord. i am called to it yes. but how could i not love someone with everything i have when he does the same to me?

i am falling in love with the lord. madly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with the god of the universe. and let me tell you there is no love like it. so much so that literally the only thing i pray about for myself is that i would grow closer to him. every day. i read the book crazy love by francis chan a few months ago and while there was some seriously brilliant stuff in there, one thing stuck out more than the rest. he talked about how people pray things like safety before going on a family trip. when instead we should be praying the we would grow closer to the lord at any cost. "god, kill my whole family if it will bring me closer to you." now that's way literal. and not praying that god would kill my family of course. but my family means more to me than anything on earth. but how great would it be to get to a place in my relationship with the lord that i would give them up if it meant drawing nearer to him?

i don't think i'm there yet. and trust me i loveeee my family. i'm not trying to love them any less. just love the lord more. with everything i have. more than anything on this earth. because he loved me first. because he is good. because there is no other way to truly live. and the list goes on.

i should be writing a paper right now...

but instead i'm playing the 5 people to dinner game. which is one of my FAVORITE things to know about people. basically you pick 5 people dead or alive that you'd want to have over for dinner. here are my 5:

1. richard avedon. my favorite photographer.
2. c.s. lewis. probably one of the greatest theologians. ever.
3. isaac brock. modest mouse. he would be so fun. and i think he's brilliant.
4. hitler. you know who he is. i just have a lot of questions for him.
5. chris mccandless. read into the wild if you haven't already. he's an interesting guy.

and that's it. this is boring. i should be writing my paper.

it's been over two months

time is a funny thing. and i don't seem to have much of it lately. at all. well that's no good. the lord's been teaching me SO MANY things recently. and i simply have not had the time to write it all down. which is actually incredibly untrue. i'm sure i have plenty of time and simply not enough will. i could write books replacing the time i spend on facebook with writing about what i'm learning. but i'm stubborn and stupid and human so i tend to pick the former.

i'm sitting here with half an hour between classes trying to recall this dream i had last night. before i went to bed i had started reading francis chan's forgotten god. and i only got about twenty pages in or so. but if you know me (which i'm pretty sure you do, only like 3 people know about this blog) you may know i've been struggling lately with the holy spirit. and that's what this book is all about. anyway the dream. well i'm remembering less and less. but what i remember the strongest is getting chills. like crazy body shaking chills all over my body. i think i was talking to someone about the holy spirit and how i have trouble accepting it? something like that. well mid-conversation i got these chills. and i just had this moment of wow. this is real. i'm not making this up in my head. i'm not believing this just because i'm told to. the holy spirit is real. he lives in me. i don't have to understand it. to try to wrap my head around it would be pointless. this is a hard concept for me- blind acceptance. i'm a why person. i always have to know. and i don't. and that's scary. but it doesn't make it less real. so right now, i'm learning about blind faith. faith like a child. faith without reason or explanation other than the fact that it's real.

so i'm learning. god's revealing all of himself to me and i'm doing my best to step out of my human idiocy and accept things i can't understand. the holy spirit. it's real. and it's blowing my mind.

five years

five years ago today i gave my life to christ. july 27th 2005. looking back i'm speechless. i cannot believe the complete 180 God has done in my life. it is truly astonishing. like literally i have no words. i am the most blessed person in the world and don't for a minute deserve it. God has done the craziest things in me and through me in the past five years and i rejoice in being able to witness His work. God is good. always. especially today. praise Him.

top five things that make me cry:

1. laughing too hard

2. anything any mentally challenged kid ever does or says

3. when people i love do great things

4. weddings

5. seeing other people cry

also these might be the only things that make me cry. turns out i don't cry when i'm sad i cry when i'm happy. go fig

things i know:

to know is to love, to love is to care,

to care is to give, to have, to share.

to share is to see, to see is to do,

to do is to go, to act, to move.

to move is to change, to change is to choose,

to choose is to pick, to think, to muse.

to muse is to spark, to spark is to beam,

to beam is to glow, to shine, to dream.

to dream is to live, to live is to be,

always, forever, and wholly free.

i cannot think of a decent name for this poem

i love helicopters

especially sick helicopter necklaces. and that's all i gotta say today.

today is the best day ever

i am insanely BLESSED. it blows my mind every day. man god is good. ptl.

Hear me my friend

This road that you choose knows no end

The road less traveled looks scary round the bend

The mountains loom ever present

The oceans call ever repentant

Which do you choose the beginning or the end

Two voices calling your name

The open road that knows no fame

And her’s sweet and tame

Choose one is to die

Chin up boy no time to cry

For the other is gain

my friend wrote this poem. and i love it. i hope you will too

blissfully blinded

How blissful it is to be blinded

By a person’s light-

Light, blinding light, emanating

From their chest,

Baring their beauty and soul

For all the world to see.

So bright that it could not

Be hidden by the darkest of shades,

Making it hard to look at them

Without being knocked unconscious.

No fluorescent bulb

Or on and off switch.

No dimmer or adjustment

To the truth.

No, this light is like that of the sun,

Which faithfully shines every

Day without fail.

This light is contagious,

It ignites the candles of those near.

It is pure and good;

Radiance cast upon the

Darkest of shadows,

Reaching the smallest of corners,

Covering all.

No light shines brighter

Than that of the Lord

Working through his child.

another oldie. but a personal fav.

thanks, nate, for your inspiration and encouragement.

love me some shel

Hector the Collector
by Shel Silverstein

Hector the Collector
Collected bits of string,
Collected dolls with broken heads
And rusty bells that would not ring.
Pieces out of picture puzzles,
Bent-up nails and ice-cream sticks,
Twists of wires, worn-out tires,
Paper bags and broken bricks.
Old chipped vases, half shoelaces,
Gatlin' guns that wouldn't shoot,
Leaky boats that wouldn't float
And stopped-up horns that wouldn't toot.
Butter knives that had no handles,
Copper keys that fit no locks,
Rings that were too small for fingers,
Dried-up leaves and patched-up socks.
Worn-out belts that had no buckles,
'Lectric trains that had no tracks,
Airplane models, broken bottles,
Three-legged chairs and cups with cracks.
Hector the Collector
Loved these things with all his soul‹
Loved them more than shining diamonds,
Loved them more than glistenin' gold.
Hector called to all the people,
"Come and share my treasure trunk!"
And all the silly sightless people
Came and looked...and called it junk.

sharing is caring

compassion (noun)- a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate suffering

i've been thinking a lot lately about compassion. i feel like in order to understand the meaning of the word it must be broken down. the prefix of the word, "com" means with or together. the word passion means "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate". so combined, compassion quite literally means feeling a powerful feeling together. my own instinct when defining compassion is feeling bad for someone. if someone is hurt and we show compassion, we show that we "feel for" them. in fact we are not supposed to just "feel for" them but instead "feel with" them. we are supposed to completely take their feelings onto ourselves and get on their level. it is not enough to feel bad for the people in haiti; in order to be compassionate we must take their sorrow upon ourselves and share in their grief. this is far deeper than any definition i could have come up with.

to have compassion on someone, we have to get on their level. whether that be in joy or sorrow, we need to literally share their feelings to understand them and be able to alleviate suffering. we need to laugh with people, cry with people. to love with them. to step out of our own thoughts and feelings and accept those of others. compassion is a selfless and difficult act committed by a person whose love is so overflowing that it extends to and envelopes the receiver. only then can we share in passion with another person.

it seems compassion is less about feeling "for" and more about "with"

FML

i wrote this a while ago. i think it's kinda funny. maybe rude and ignorant, but kinda funny.

Ode to the Dissatisfied

To those who don’t think they are good enough,

To those who view their lives as rough,

I’ve got a word for you.

You want deep blue eyes and long blond hair,

Less flab here and more skin there,

Just listen to yourself.

To say the least you’re in good health,

And are considered to have sufficient wealth,

Which is more than many can say.

You’d rather live someone else’s life,

You complain about the most trivial strife,

How blind can you be?

Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

Do you understand how incredibly far-

Many would go to be you?

"There rises an unspeakable desire after the knowledge of our buried life"

1. Write a book

2. Study abroad

3. Go to Africa

4. Be a photographer

5. Own a typewriter

6. Go cliff jumping

7. Do summer staff

8. Have something published

9. Do something crazy impulsive

10. Get married

11. Live in Arizona

12. Sell a painting

13. Get a tattoo

14. Buy a car by myself

15. Have kids

16. Be a teacher

17. Do a back handspring

18. Swim with dolphins

19. Win the lottery

20. Learn all the words to “We Didn’t Start The Fire”

21. Read War and Peace

22. Be part of a revolution.

23. Walk across hot coals.

24. Skydive

25. Shoot a gun

i made this list a few years ago. it's been growing. and so far i've taken care of numbers 9, 19, and 22. cutting off all my hair was CRAZY impulsive. i wont $6 on a scratch off. camping out in the middle of philadelphia for a weekend to encourage a bill supporting invisible children was a REVOLUTION. i'm still working on the other 22 things. and continually adding more. these are the things i want to do before i die. and believe me, i will.

check out The Buried Life by Matthew Arnold.

"Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love" -A Lot Like Love

an excerpt from a definition essay i wrote a while ago for my writing class:

So the question arises, what is love? Webster defines being in love as “being with or feeling deep affection or passion for another person”. I have a passion for dancing. Am I in love with dancing? I would say probably not. I don’t have intimate feelings for or wish to marry dancing. I probably won‘t always love dancing. The definition of love, I believe, is different for every person. So this is my definition. A few years ago, I fell in love with God. I came to the realization that I no longer wanted to live for me, but that there was someone I wanted to be with forever and give everything to. I think being in love with a human being will be something like this. I don’t think I could ever love a person in the way that I love God, but I think the two are closely related. I could never stop loving God, even if I wanted to, and I feel that there is nothing He could do to make me love Him less. Love, to me, is when we fully, constantly put another person before us. When we totally lose ourselves

I hope, one day, that I can lose myself. I'm siked.

how easy it is to love You

how easy it is to love You,

on days when the sun shines,

above the sky gleams bright blue,

and happiness feels eternally mine.

how easy it is to love You,

as a passing stranger smiles,

when responsibilities are few,

and i can relax for a while.

how easy it is to love You,

on days my hair cooperates,

continual small fortunes ensue,

and i am pleased with my fate.

how easy it is to love You,

when everything is going right,

when your glory is in plain view,

i can love You with all my might.

but if i stumble, trip, and fall,

and my world seems to fall apart,

it gets hard to love and give my all,

but i still praise You in my heart.

whether hard or easy i will love You,

when things go perfectly or nothing works out,

Your love and goodness stand true,

and I will praise You without a doubt.

this is one of the first poems i ever wrote. it's not good but i like it. i'm starting this blog out with old things i've written. eventually i will post new stuff. enjoy!