christ in me

i don't want anyone to see anything but christ in me.

i can feel myself pushing worldly qualities. i want people to see me as funny. or pretty. or cool. or a good artist. or whatever. because in my small mind that's what makes people like me. and want to be around me.

reality? the most attractive thing about me is christ in me. nothing draws people in more than the lord working through me. i know it. i've seen it. i need to cling to it. not so i can attract more people and feel better about myself or have more friends or anything, but because that's what i need to exude. christ. at all times. i do not want anyone to see anything else in me but the lord working through me. whether they know it or not it attracts them. and in a way god can bring people closer to him. through me. i want to be that tool. but i can't do it if i let myself get in the way.

i don't want to try to be anything. i want to step down and let god work through me. i want him to infiltrate my words, my actions, my thoughts- daily.

i don't want anyone to see ANYTHING but christ in me. whether they know it or not.

top five all time favorite painters

1. monet. always has been always will be number one.

2. wassily kandinsky

3. marc chagall

4. jackson pollock

5. da vinci. classic. brilliant.

ok so they may be a bit stylistically contradictory. but i like what i like. and let me tell you i like painting. oh how i love painting.

JOY

just OPEN yourself

jewels OF youth

jump OVER yards

juxtaposition OF years

jungles OUTSIDE yesterday

jars OF yes

journeys OFFER yearning

join OUR young

repeat after me: i am free

I AM FREE

free from the confines

of my body

of my mind

of my own small thinking

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from the pressure

to be perfect

to be right

to be everything they want

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from my debt

to myself

to others

to my perfect creator

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from the search

for acceptance

for love

for anything to fill me

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from limits

to my future

to opportunities

to how much i can grow

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free to live

in christ

in love

in pursuit of life

my chains are gone

i've been set free

dependence

i read my bible every day. once in the morning and once at night. if i don't i end up having a terrible day or bad dreams at night. seriously every single time. and i love that, keeps me accountable. but some days, like today, i end up with random passages like exodus 26 where it only talks about the color fabric should be and how many loops for the tabernacle. is this going to have any impact on my day? probably not. but still. i feel something when i read. i don't know if it's just obedience, that i'm putting god before sleep or whatever i would have done instead. i don't know if it's just the fact that it's god's word, that i love him so much that i am filled by anything he has to tell me no matter how relevant i think it to be to my life. but i am just fascinated by the difference in me when i spend time with the lord. and i love that i have a bad day if i don't read. i really can't do anything if i don't have god first. which is awesome. humbling.

and, in case you were wondering, the tabernacle should have ten curtains of blue, purple, and scarlet yarn with fifty loops per curtain. have a great day.

overflow

Sometimes I feel like I’m totally running dry. I try to give and give and give and pour out everything I have. Which isn’t a bad thing. But lately I have been learning how crucial it is to receive before I give. At least in this case. If I’m not reading, worshipping, praying, spending time with the lord then I’m not allowing him to pour into me. And if I’m not allowing him to pour into me I have nothing to pour out to anyone else. Again and again the same lesson: I can’t do this on my own. Not at all for a single second. I know god is offering this immense love that will overflow onto others but I simply “can’t find the time” to accept it. And if I don’t then I have nothing to give. So I’m working on accepting as much love as I can every single day so that I can pass that love on to every person I come in contact with. As with everything I learn this sounds obvious. I know this. But it is so true in my life right now that I can’t afford to live any other way

i have come that they may have life and have it to the FULL

-john 10:10b

full life hit me the other day. like really hit me. i know i have full life in christ. well aware. i know that's the only way i can truly live. but rarely do i acknowledge what that actually means. and when i think about it...it's true. i have honest to goodness full life. which duh i know but i never really think about. full to the point of overflow. joy in the lord. all that stuff is real. nothing fills me like the lord does. i have never been as satisfied as when i am in a right relationship with god. again...DUH. but seriously. i feel like sometimes i just take things for granted without realizing all this stuff is true. i mean i know it's true. but i can physically see the side effects of my relationship with christ throughout my life. that's crazy. it's not believing in some far off invisible god. he lives in us. he lives in me. and i see it. people see it. i've always known this is real. but it keeps becoming more and more apparent to me. i love that after five and a half years god can still amaze me. i hope he always does. and i hope i never forget what full life feels like. and how i wouldn't want to live any other way.


so, god, thanks for letting me live.