on being single

things that have been on my mind a lot recently. a lot. being single. i am twenty one years old. that's young. a baby. i'm only three years out of high school. however i have countless friends engaged, married, pregnant, with kids. it blows my mind. because it is so far from anything occurring in my life. but i'm surrounded by it. seriously surrounded.

i just spent the past four months in italy. which is the capital of love. literally. everyone in the city of florence is in love. and they love to show you. all over the city. honestly there is no privacy in that place. pda galore. not to mention my three best friends there who have been dating their boyfriends for 1-4 years and talking about marriage. and my best friend at home is talking about marriage. my three roommates i will be moving in with next semester all have boyfriends. it seems the whole world is in love. and i have never been so perfectly aware of just how single i am. which is not necessarily a bad thing.

my dad seems to be concerned that i don't have a boyfriend. he legitimately told me the other day that i will never find a "stronger christian" than myself and i should shoot lower. which is pretty funny and i hope pretty untrue. i know what i want. i know what i deserve. and i know i won't settle for anything less. and i'm not messing around anymore, i wouldn't date someone i wouldn't consider marrying. i will not date someone who doesn't make me love the lord more. i will not date someone who cannot lead me. i will not date someone who isn't trying to die to himself daily and follow the lord. period. so maybe i will be single for the rest of my life. i'm not really worried about it. yeah it's a bummer sometimes and i catch myself envious of friends in relationships. but at the same time i am completely untethered and can move to indonesia tomorrow if i feel like it. i really wrote this whole post to share a video i may or may not be obsessed with...

girlfriend knows what's up. so hello. i'm single. i'm happy. i love the lord. the end.

catonsville tree lighting

my film final from last semester i just found. catonsville's annual tree lighting ceremony! click the link because the video is cut in half on here

christ in me

i don't want anyone to see anything but christ in me.

i can feel myself pushing worldly qualities. i want people to see me as funny. or pretty. or cool. or a good artist. or whatever. because in my small mind that's what makes people like me. and want to be around me.

reality? the most attractive thing about me is christ in me. nothing draws people in more than the lord working through me. i know it. i've seen it. i need to cling to it. not so i can attract more people and feel better about myself or have more friends or anything, but because that's what i need to exude. christ. at all times. i do not want anyone to see anything else in me but the lord working through me. whether they know it or not it attracts them. and in a way god can bring people closer to him. through me. i want to be that tool. but i can't do it if i let myself get in the way.

i don't want to try to be anything. i want to step down and let god work through me. i want him to infiltrate my words, my actions, my thoughts- daily.

i don't want anyone to see ANYTHING but christ in me. whether they know it or not.

top five all time favorite painters

1. monet. always has been always will be number one.

2. wassily kandinsky

3. marc chagall

4. jackson pollock

5. da vinci. classic. brilliant.

ok so they may be a bit stylistically contradictory. but i like what i like. and let me tell you i like painting. oh how i love painting.

JOY

just OPEN yourself

jewels OF youth

jump OVER yards

juxtaposition OF years

jungles OUTSIDE yesterday

jars OF yes

journeys OFFER yearning

join OUR young

repeat after me: i am free

I AM FREE

free from the confines

of my body

of my mind

of my own small thinking

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from the pressure

to be perfect

to be right

to be everything they want

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from my debt

to myself

to others

to my perfect creator

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from the search

for acceptance

for love

for anything to fill me

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from limits

to my future

to opportunities

to how much i can grow

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free to live

in christ

in love

in pursuit of life

my chains are gone

i've been set free

dependence

i read my bible every day. once in the morning and once at night. if i don't i end up having a terrible day or bad dreams at night. seriously every single time. and i love that, keeps me accountable. but some days, like today, i end up with random passages like exodus 26 where it only talks about the color fabric should be and how many loops for the tabernacle. is this going to have any impact on my day? probably not. but still. i feel something when i read. i don't know if it's just obedience, that i'm putting god before sleep or whatever i would have done instead. i don't know if it's just the fact that it's god's word, that i love him so much that i am filled by anything he has to tell me no matter how relevant i think it to be to my life. but i am just fascinated by the difference in me when i spend time with the lord. and i love that i have a bad day if i don't read. i really can't do anything if i don't have god first. which is awesome. humbling.

and, in case you were wondering, the tabernacle should have ten curtains of blue, purple, and scarlet yarn with fifty loops per curtain. have a great day.