righteous anger.

i experienced the purest righteous anger the other day. i have always heard the term and never quite understood how the two could go together. contrary to popular belief i went through my fair share of anger back in my angsty teen days. and i understood anger to be a bad thing, something we shouldn't have if we have christ. truth? anger can be from god. it can be righteous. we are called to be slow to anger, but sometimes we are actually called to be angry.

so two weeks ago i was giving the sin talk at young life. we split the gospel in half and talk about the sin in our hearts and how we have separated ourselves from god one week, and then bring the good news that christ died for us to take away our sin the next week. these are the two biggest and most important talks we do in young life. so i prepared for days and practiced in front of my mirror. and in front of about 40 kids last tuesday i got up to tell them half of the most important thing they will ever hear in their lives. and oh boy did it not go well. i know i have a reputation of being a "fun" leader and sometimes it makes it difficult for kids to take me seriously. and i guess that's what happened because it was the worst received talk i've ever witnessed. kids were calling out, saying ridiculous things, talking, texting, not paying attention. worse than i've ever encountered in my 8 years of young life. it was so bad that at the end my coleader had to get up and instill a little fear of the lord in the kids. she is new and people tend to take her really seriously so she got up and tried shut them up. and it worked a little. but i have never been angry like i was angry after that talk. not that it's the angriest i've ever been (ask the punching bag in my basement), it was just a different type of anger than i'd ever experienced this vividly.

i left the room after my talk to cool myself down. i mean i was pissed. and at first i thought it was my pride. like i was mad that kids didn't think what i had to say was important. that they didn't listen to me. but that happens all the time with high school kids, and quite truthfully i don't really care. then i thought it was because a lot of the kids who called out were campaigner kids, our core group of high schoolers who understand and support what we do. i thought i was pissed because the kids who are my actual friends weren't backing me up. and then this realization washed over me that it wasn't about me. at all. i was pissed because they were mocking my (and their) maker. they were laughing at the very thing that kept jesus on the cross. they lightheartedly belittled the line between life and death. i was righteously angry that they didn't listen to what god was saying through me.

well i took a minute to pray about it and cool down. the lord works in ways that aren't always visible to us so i had to trust. that his message would get to them somehow. but later after i had dropped all the kids off i just cried in my car. i cried and worshipped and prayed. forgive them father for they know not what they do. so i gave up that righteous anger and prayed my heart out that they would still hear and understand the message.

redemption prevailed last week when i got to give the cross talk. the second half. the good news. it was by far the best talk the lord has ever breathed through me. not a kid spoke. dead silence. respect for the word of god. and tears. heartfelt tears came with the understanding of exactly what christ did for them. their god. MY GOD. and with that came joyful peace for me. no more righteous anger.

good. all the time.

i can't tell you how many times i've said something like "i just don't have self-control". or heard someone claim they have no patience. or peace. you name it. we think we just don't have it. like we were just born without it or something. what a sick lie satan has planted in our hearts to make us feel less-than. to make it easier to defeat us.


if we have christ we have the spirit. the holy spirit LIVES in us. in our hearts. all the time. whether we acknowledge him or not. and the thing about the spirit is that he is good. always. he is always good. if we have the spirit we have love. if we have the spirit we have joy. peace. patience. kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. if we have the spirit we have the fruit of the spirit. all the time. it lives in us.


some of us have to search for it. i know i have a lot of layers of "me" to pull back to reveal the self-control i know is hidden in there somewhere. but it is. it is there. and it is good. all the time. it's all there. i am not doing this on my own. and man what a gift from god to be blessed with his fruit living in our hearts. all the time.




so it doesn't matter how i feel. i have joy. at my disposal at all times whenever i choose to get over myself and reach for it. no matter how much i fail to produce my own fruit, i carry it my heart at all times through the spirit.


i just need to move over and let him shine through me. he must become greater, i must become less.

so many things

there are so many things i should have been writing the past few months. so many things i'm learning and doing and experiencing and should be writing about. instead of trying to catch up i'll just start with where i am right now.

i once read this piccoult book about this couple dealing with abuse in their relationship. the woman tries to leave the man several times but can't because she is so attached. and there is one line i will never forget from that book.

"he was stitched so tightly in the seams of my heart that removing him would mean unravelling myself"

i wanted that. i read the book years ago and have forever stuck with that line. but oh man what a picture of what we fill our hearts with.

now i want christ stitched so tightly in the seams of my heart that removing him would mean unravelling myself.

that's how i've been thinking about that quote. christ. stitched so tightly that without him i'm not me. i'm nothing. and only christ. i'm a visual person. so every day i've been stitching. every time i spend time with the lord- another stitch. every time i read. every prayer. little stitches that bring me closer to god. that bind him tighter in my heart and harder to remove. because without him i will surely unravel.

i can feel when things in my life try to pull christ out of my heart to make room for worldly things that don't matter. and maybe they break a few stitches. but the more stitches i sew the harder they are to break. i want christ in there. nothing else.

so i will keep stitching tighter and tighter and i will be whole.

on being single

things that have been on my mind a lot recently. a lot. being single. i am twenty one years old. that's young. a baby. i'm only three years out of high school. however i have countless friends engaged, married, pregnant, with kids. it blows my mind. because it is so far from anything occurring in my life. but i'm surrounded by it. seriously surrounded.

i just spent the past four months in italy. which is the capital of love. literally. everyone in the city of florence is in love. and they love to show you. all over the city. honestly there is no privacy in that place. pda galore. not to mention my three best friends there who have been dating their boyfriends for 1-4 years and talking about marriage. and my best friend at home is talking about marriage. my three roommates i will be moving in with next semester all have boyfriends. it seems the whole world is in love. and i have never been so perfectly aware of just how single i am. which is not necessarily a bad thing.

my dad seems to be concerned that i don't have a boyfriend. he legitimately told me the other day that i will never find a "stronger christian" than myself and i should shoot lower. which is pretty funny and i hope pretty untrue. i know what i want. i know what i deserve. and i know i won't settle for anything less. and i'm not messing around anymore, i wouldn't date someone i wouldn't consider marrying. i will not date someone who doesn't make me love the lord more. i will not date someone who cannot lead me. i will not date someone who isn't trying to die to himself daily and follow the lord. period. so maybe i will be single for the rest of my life. i'm not really worried about it. yeah it's a bummer sometimes and i catch myself envious of friends in relationships. but at the same time i am completely untethered and can move to indonesia tomorrow if i feel like it. i really wrote this whole post to share a video i may or may not be obsessed with...

girlfriend knows what's up. so hello. i'm single. i'm happy. i love the lord. the end.

catonsville tree lighting

my film final from last semester i just found. catonsville's annual tree lighting ceremony! click the link because the video is cut in half on here

christ in me

i don't want anyone to see anything but christ in me.

i can feel myself pushing worldly qualities. i want people to see me as funny. or pretty. or cool. or a good artist. or whatever. because in my small mind that's what makes people like me. and want to be around me.

reality? the most attractive thing about me is christ in me. nothing draws people in more than the lord working through me. i know it. i've seen it. i need to cling to it. not so i can attract more people and feel better about myself or have more friends or anything, but because that's what i need to exude. christ. at all times. i do not want anyone to see anything else in me but the lord working through me. whether they know it or not it attracts them. and in a way god can bring people closer to him. through me. i want to be that tool. but i can't do it if i let myself get in the way.

i don't want to try to be anything. i want to step down and let god work through me. i want him to infiltrate my words, my actions, my thoughts- daily.

i don't want anyone to see ANYTHING but christ in me. whether they know it or not.

top five all time favorite painters

1. monet. always has been always will be number one.

2. wassily kandinsky

3. marc chagall

4. jackson pollock

5. da vinci. classic. brilliant.

ok so they may be a bit stylistically contradictory. but i like what i like. and let me tell you i like painting. oh how i love painting.

JOY

just OPEN yourself

jewels OF youth

jump OVER yards

juxtaposition OF years

jungles OUTSIDE yesterday

jars OF yes

journeys OFFER yearning

join OUR young

repeat after me: i am free

I AM FREE

free from the confines

of my body

of my mind

of my own small thinking

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from the pressure

to be perfect

to be right

to be everything they want

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from my debt

to myself

to others

to my perfect creator

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from the search

for acceptance

for love

for anything to fill me

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free from limits

to my future

to opportunities

to how much i can grow

my chains are gone

i've been set free

I AM FREE

free to live

in christ

in love

in pursuit of life

my chains are gone

i've been set free

dependence

i read my bible every day. once in the morning and once at night. if i don't i end up having a terrible day or bad dreams at night. seriously every single time. and i love that, keeps me accountable. but some days, like today, i end up with random passages like exodus 26 where it only talks about the color fabric should be and how many loops for the tabernacle. is this going to have any impact on my day? probably not. but still. i feel something when i read. i don't know if it's just obedience, that i'm putting god before sleep or whatever i would have done instead. i don't know if it's just the fact that it's god's word, that i love him so much that i am filled by anything he has to tell me no matter how relevant i think it to be to my life. but i am just fascinated by the difference in me when i spend time with the lord. and i love that i have a bad day if i don't read. i really can't do anything if i don't have god first. which is awesome. humbling.

and, in case you were wondering, the tabernacle should have ten curtains of blue, purple, and scarlet yarn with fifty loops per curtain. have a great day.

overflow

Sometimes I feel like I’m totally running dry. I try to give and give and give and pour out everything I have. Which isn’t a bad thing. But lately I have been learning how crucial it is to receive before I give. At least in this case. If I’m not reading, worshipping, praying, spending time with the lord then I’m not allowing him to pour into me. And if I’m not allowing him to pour into me I have nothing to pour out to anyone else. Again and again the same lesson: I can’t do this on my own. Not at all for a single second. I know god is offering this immense love that will overflow onto others but I simply “can’t find the time” to accept it. And if I don’t then I have nothing to give. So I’m working on accepting as much love as I can every single day so that I can pass that love on to every person I come in contact with. As with everything I learn this sounds obvious. I know this. But it is so true in my life right now that I can’t afford to live any other way